i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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