She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
