I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
