I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
