I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
