does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
my poor anus
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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