Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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