fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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