Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
