The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
