I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
