if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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