seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
