made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So much Jack, so little girl.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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