So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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