If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm like, not good at living.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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