i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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