there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
