time to smoke my breakfast
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
