Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
