Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
