Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
