If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
