I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
