i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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