I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
