Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
