we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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