he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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