Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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