i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
