She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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