he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
