i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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