Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize