he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
