Having a random hookup so left but love u
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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