god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
