According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
