dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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