I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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