i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
