Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
