She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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