i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
