There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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