WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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