I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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