dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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