I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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