the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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