he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
