i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
