When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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