Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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