If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
