Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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