I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
