the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
