Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
