Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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