Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
