How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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