I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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