Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
