It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
