all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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